I love her and she doesnt love me. She probably will never love me. I probably will love her always, and will never forget her. So this blog is about my love. Its not about her. Its just about how I feel, and things I imagine..basically a place where I can rant and dont have to worry about what others think
Sunday, September 8, 2013
i have always loved her and i will always love her She never loved meand she will never love me.
Thats the story of my life :(
So here I am, again, having activated my Facebook, looking
sheepishly into my reflection in the mirror and laughing. Well, that’s exactly
how my life is – fluctuating between the upper echelons of madness and lower
straits of uncomplicated emotions. Probably the word should be complicated
instead of uncomplicated, and I realise no matter irrespective of the choice of
the word, irrespective of the meaning it conveys, my life is fucked up.
Ever since Facebook activated graph search for me, I keep
searching for the photos she has liked every day. Technically it is stalking,
but I guess this is allowed. I am not intruding in her physical or digital
space. I search for things that are available for everybody to see. All that I
gain from this stalking are nothing but pangs of conscience and regret. I see
her happy in her own world. It looks perfect.
What am I doing thinking about her everyday even though she
doesn’t love me and is happy with her life without me. But then, it’s not about
her. I am not part of her life, I am not disturbing her, I amas far away from her as possible. This is
about me, it’s about my love. I can and will love her for the rest of my life,
even though I know she will never come to know of it anymore. It’s about my
inability to get attracted to anybody else. It’s about my inability to forget
her. It’s about my inability to stop thinking about her. So, this love affects
only my life. I can be depressed one day, and cheerful another. I will think of
her as a princess one day and an angel another.
Well, it’s also not true that my life is getting affected.
Only one aspect of my life is getting affected. Only my heart is the one that
feels the pain. While my heart dies, I continue to live a normal life.
My sleeplessness has been
suddenly replaced by a diligent need to sleep at eight in the night. Even when
my best friend woke me up at twelve in the night, and I ended up spending
another sleepless night, my new sleep cycle was not disturbed. I was able to
sleep the following night – peacefully and undisturbed.
With a fresh mind, I was able to
clearly evaluate my needs, my situation and arrive at a clear decision. I love
her that is something which is irreconcilable, irreversible, and indelible. She
will never love me. This is something which is abundantly and painfully clear
to me. So the only logical thing to do is to love her from a distance, such
that she would never feel my love as a shackle holding on to her conscience,
making her feel guilty (things she told me before). So, I deactivate my
Facebook, cut off my relations with all mutual friends (something I have been
doing for the last few years), and put on an invisible suit. May be all this is
unnecessary. Tomorrow I might activate my Facebook. Tomorrow I might call a
random friend and have a drink. But you get the drift. I will be away from her,
and still love her the same way, importantly she shouldn’t know if I still love
her or not, if I am alive or not. For all purpose, I should become invisible.
That’s why this blog is so
important to me. She will never find me here. My friends will never find me
here. I can proclaim my love here and not be guilt trapped in a maze of moral
So here again, another sleepless night, thinking about her, hopelessly waiting for her to call me, email me, send me a Fb message, none of which has happened in the last eight years, and there is no likelihood of it happening in the future.
Ever since I wrote my last post, I have been thinking of that night, when I was in Indore, and she was in Chennai, and she gave me a missed call at two in the night, to see if I was sleeping.
She said she was not feeling well, and couldn't sleep. She didn't want me to call her either, because it was so late in the night and her mother was sleeping beside her. So we resorted to smsing each other, even though my mobile was "in roaming" , which meant that I spending more money per sms, than it would have taken to talk to her long distance.
I had also told her the evening before (I used to call her every day and we used to have our meaningless eveing chat) that I had to catch a train at five in the morning, so I probably had to wake up early around four. But girls, like only girls can be, had chosen to message me
So we spend talking to each other, till she went to sleep.
I was worried, and I called her up early morning to check if she was staying back in the house and talking a rest. But she was already on her way to the office. I messaged her that I love her, and she replied I was stupid.
Well that's pretty much how the whole love story panned out. I kept telling her my love and she kept insisting I was a stupid to have fallen in love and not trying to move on despite being told a firm no.
its interesting how I keep thinking about her all the time, it makes me wonder, does ever think of me? even once? Say, between the time, she closes her eye lids, rewinds the day, and goes to sleep? Or in the long train journey between her house and her job, where she would be sitting between two women discussing the family chores and lazily sometimes when she would spot a girl, talking to her boyfriend, blushing, lying, smiling, teasing?
Or when she goes to a shop to buy an icecream and she has to decide between vanilla and strawberry?
Or when she is sick and is lying on the bed, sleepless at two in the morning, wondering about the meaning of life?
May be never. She probably does not think of me ever.
But in each of my thought, I drape her thoughts like the finest of the silk, to feel cozy and self inflict some pain.
So when i met her last year, which was the first time in three years, she said - pandian, you are a good guy. you didnt try to take revenge on me. ofcourse none of the words made sense to me. Revenge? what for?
probably she meant that I didnt try to harm her, even though she has been steadfastly rejecting me for almost ten years.
I understand what she was trying to say, because there are so many news in the TV where a spurned lover tries to do something stupid.
In my case, I want her to be happy. I could never think even in the wildest of my dreams, for her to suffer. I actually want her to get married to a nice guy and have a happy family. I will, from a far away place, enjoy her happiness and pray to god for her good health.
All the more, the true love comes not from realisation of intimacy or talking. True love comes from seeing her happy, and wanting to see her smile all the time.
I was therefore hurt when she said what did. It means, she had reduced me to a normal guy. But then, I understand her apprehension and fear.
I love her.
As I can quote, ohh I dont remember the source, but its says, what I give (love), I give freely. You dont have to return love or friendship. You are not even obliged to feel anything or percieve my existence.
I love her. and for me , thats the best thing that has happened to me. I am happy for her existence, for its her existence that has given meaning to my life :)
I still haven't managed a way to sleep properly. Yesterday I had an interview. So, after spending a sleepless night, I ended up spending the morning on a chair, waiting to be interviewed. The prolonged sleeplessness had immediate effect on my health - from severe headache to nausea. I slept for an hour, and now am here - again, awake, sleepless, on my blog, hopelessly thinking about her, and continously looking at the door, hoping for the sleep to barge in at anytime. Ofcourse she is not going to come, just like the girl I love.
So I was thinking about her (not the sleep :p), and was considering the worst possible proposal - more like a plea. I wanted to know if she would be ready for a minimum possible relation that can exist between two individuals. It could be anything. For example, she can agree to pick my call on her birthday. I will tell her two words "happy birthday", she says one "thanks" and then I would hang up the phone and wait for her next birthday, for the rest of my/her life. I wouldn't say a single word more. I know she will not agree to it either. It sounds crazy. For me, this would be perfect. I would spend the whole year, looking forward to hear her voice say that one little word. It would help me live my life better, it would give me a purpose to my life - to wait for one more year. The waiting mixed with certainty is a heady mix, and I would be happy to live a life like that. What about her? she would think this is crazy. Even if she agrees, imagine tomorrow she gets married, what would her future husband think, what would her future children think?
So you see, what seems minimum possible relation to me, would seem increasingly unreasonable and unacceptable demand to her.
I think I am better off not sleeping than drive her crazy or scaring her off ..
and it is strange how her memory works, like a noose around the thread - choking and all consuming with no escape. I watch a movie, I think of her. I read a book, I think of her. I walk, I talk, I sleep, no matter what I do, each and every act reminds me of her. Even now, as I type, I can see her image materialise before my eyes. Her red dress looks resplendent. She has this assorted collection of red dresses - bright red, pale red, pink red, purple red, and what not. She looks beautiful in all of them. May be I should call her the lady in red.
I think of her smile and I am smitten. I think of her eyes and I am hyptonised.
I probably should see a doctor to get my mind fixed. or probably see another girl, to get my heart fixed.
Life without her, seems so meaningless.
Everybody goes through existential crisis once in their life, I seem to be struck with it forever. My escapism and meaning to life, has abandoned me. She does not love me. With her no, everything else in life has been reduced to meaningless and lifeless travesty.
I guess I will survive, but I guess I will never live
So here I am, awake another night, trying to hoodwink my sleep to sleep with me. I wont have much success with it i know, or else I wouldn't be typing this.
Ever since the touchscreen on my mobile phone stopped responding, I have been thinking of buying a new mobile phone. nobody calls me anyways because i haven't given my number to any of my friend. She wouldn't call me, and most of my friends are mutual friends with her. So if I do talk to a friend, one of us will eventually mention her, not that they know about my feelings for her, but just talking about her would be enough to send me to depression, thinking about how things could have turned out, or why she keeps saying no, and so on.
Anyways, as I was saying, I have been thinking about buying a mobile. It reminded me of the time, I bought my first mobile. I was about to go to indore, and so i had to buy a mobile phone. I remember, my number was activated, and I was standing at the door of my house and called her. I tried to pull a prank on her by pretending I was someone else, but she knew my voice and she caught me.
I have this tendency of losing mobile phones. So when I lost my first, I bought a new one. Those days money was an issue and I wanted to buy mobile with a camera inbuilt. That was a novelty at that time. She kept pestering me to buy a new mobile as she wanted to talk to me everyday. Alternatively, she suggested I should find a friend, who wouldn't mind her calling me at a fixed time. Finally, I gave up and bought a new mobile with an inbuilt camera.
I asked her if I could take her photo, and that was the first photo I took. I remember she wanted to go through my mobile, and she was going through my contacts. She told me, she wanted to know , what song I had assigned to her name as a ringtone. butterflies. butterflies. But they flew away , far away.
So here I am , thinking of buying a mobile, thinking of her, spending another night, writing rather than sleeping.
Probably I am stupid. I read too much into things. Probably I am stupid, because I am still thinking of them.
One day I might forget them all or may be, I would cherish them as the fondest memories of my life, hold on to them forever.
every now and then, over the last ten years...may be nine or probably its just eight years, i have struggled to sleep everytime her memories would sneak up on me. It was not a big deal. One night in a month, spent crying over a girl, call it dreaming, or mourning, or whatever, i was able to hand it. The idea was , the night so spent, would make me wanna enjoy my day better, lest people will realise, I am sad. Its not a bad thing to be sad, but it is a sad thing to explain that is bad. Anyways, so a week or two ago (damn..I am so bad with remembering the time), I sent her a message at around one in the night, through facebook. She is not in my friend list., but even then, I got the notification, that she saw the message. She was there online. My heart started beating faster. I started sweating. I was waiting for her to reply. I was thinking, she does know I am online, we could have had a casual chat. But no, she didnt reply. I spent the night, looking up at facebook, hoping she would reply. I could almost hear her breathe at the other end of the monitor. I slept early morning, tired and having realised, she wouldnt reply. Its not that she used to reply to my messages, she never does. yet, feeling disappointed I slept. When I woke up in the afternoon, I knew she hadnt replied, and my facebook told me as much. Its not that I am hooked to facebook after that, I have always been hooked to it. Facebook is narcissistic in its own way, and I love that about it. Nor did I start hating it. But something else happened. I havent been able to sleep all night since then . I have tried everything. Just lying down with lights turned off, reading boring books, watching movies, staying up the whole day after, nothing has helped me sleep. May be I should see a doctor. May be I am being an alarmist. Its just as I said, a week or two. Something will probably turn on the switch to my sleep, the same way something switched it off. thats the beauty of life, it always has its own way of turning up for the better.
May be, If I continue to write long on the blog, someday, I could write and laught about how silly my premises were , for my not sleeping. Or someday, I would look back and say, well, I know how it all started.