and i am no longer sleepless

My sleeplessness has been suddenly replaced by a diligent need to sleep at eight in the night. Even when my best friend woke me up at twelve in the night, and I ended up spending another sleepless night, my new sleep cycle was not disturbed. I was able to sleep the following night – peacefully and undisturbed.

With a fresh mind, I was able to clearly evaluate my needs, my situation and arrive at a clear decision. I love her that is something which is irreconcilable, irreversible, and indelible. She will never love me. This is something which is abundantly and painfully clear to me. So the only logical thing to do is to love her from a distance, such that she would never feel my love as a shackle holding on to her conscience, making her feel guilty (things she told me before). So, I deactivate my Facebook, cut off my relations with all mutual friends (something I have been doing for the last few years), and put on an invisible suit. May be all this is unnecessary. Tomorrow I might activate my Facebook. Tomorrow I might call a random friend and have a drink. But you get the drift. I will be away from her, and still love her the same way, importantly she shouldn’t know if I still love her or not, if I am alive or not. For all purpose, I should become invisible.

That’s why this blog is so important to me. She will never find me here. My friends will never find me here. I can proclaim my love here and not be guilt trapped in a maze of moral questions.

So here again, another sleepless night, thinking about her, hopelessly waiting for her to call me, email me, send me a Fb message, none of which has happened in the last eight years, and there is no likelihood of it happening in the future.
Ever since I wrote my last post, I have been thinking of that night, when I was in Indore, and she was in Chennai, and she gave me a missed call at two in the night, to see if I was sleeping.
She said she was not feeling well, and couldn't sleep. She didn't want me to call her either, because it was so late in the night and her mother was sleeping beside her. So we resorted to smsing each other, even though my mobile was "in roaming" , which meant that I spending more money per sms, than it would have taken to talk to her long distance.
I had also told her the evening before (I used to call her every day and we used to have our meaningless eveing chat) that I had to catch a train at five in the morning, so I probably had to wake up early around four. But girls, like only girls can be, had chosen to message me
So we spend talking to each other, till she went to sleep.
I was worried, and I called her up early morning to check if she was staying back in the house and talking a rest. But she was already on her way to the office. I messaged her that I love her, and she replied I was stupid.

Well that's pretty much how the whole love story panned out. I kept telling her my love and she kept insisting I was a stupid to have fallen in love and not trying to move on despite being told a firm no.


 

So here I am, awake another night, trying to hoodwink my sleep to sleep with me.  I wont have much success with it i know, or else I wouldn't be typing this.
Ever since the touchscreen on my mobile phone stopped responding, I have been thinking of buying a new mobile phone. nobody calls me anyways because i haven't given my number to any of my friend. She wouldn't call me, and most of my friends are mutual friends with her. So if I do talk to a friend, one of us will eventually mention her, not that they know about my feelings for her, but just talking about her would be enough to send me to depression, thinking about how things could have turned out, or why she keeps saying no, and so on.
Anyways, as I was saying, I have been thinking about buying a mobile. It reminded me of the time, I bought my first mobile. I was about to go to indore, and so i had to buy a mobile phone.  I remember, my number was activated, and I was standing at the door of my house and called her. I tried to pull a prank on her by pretending I was someone else, but she knew my voice and she caught me.
I have this tendency of losing mobile phones. So when I lost my first, I bought a new one. Those days money was an issue and I wanted to buy  mobile with a camera inbuilt. That was a novelty at that time. She kept pestering me to buy a new mobile as she wanted to talk to me everyday. Alternatively, she suggested I should find a friend, who wouldn't mind her calling me at a fixed time. Finally, I gave up and bought a new mobile with an inbuilt camera.
 I asked her if I could take her photo, and that was the first photo I took. I remember she wanted to go through my mobile, and she was going through my contacts. She told me, she wanted to know , what song I had assigned to her name as a ringtone. butterflies. butterflies. But they flew away , far away. 


So here I am , thinking of buying a mobile, thinking of her, spending another night, writing rather than sleeping.

Probably I am stupid. I read too much into things. Probably I am stupid, because I am still thinking of them.

One day I might forget them all or may be, I would cherish them as the fondest memories of my life, hold on to them forever.

sleepless

every now and then, over the last ten years...may be nine or probably its just eight years, i have struggled to sleep everytime her memories would sneak up on me. It was not a big deal. One night in a month, spent crying over a girl, call it dreaming, or mourning, or whatever, i was able to hand it. The idea was , the night so spent, would make me wanna enjoy my day better, lest people will realise, I am sad. Its not a bad thing to be sad, but it is a sad thing to explain that is bad. Anyways, so a week or two ago (damn..I am so bad with remembering the time), I sent her a message at around one in the night, through facebook. She is not in my friend list., but even then, I got the notification, that she saw the message. She was there online. My heart started beating faster. I started sweating. I was waiting for her to reply. I was thinking, she does know I am online, we could have had a casual chat. But no, she didnt reply. I spent the night, looking up at facebook, hoping she would reply. I could almost hear her breathe at the other end of the monitor. I slept early morning, tired and having realised, she wouldnt reply. Its not that she used to reply to my messages, she never does. yet, feeling disappointed I slept.  When I woke up in  the afternoon, I knew she hadnt replied, and my facebook told me as much. Its not that I am hooked to facebook after that, I have always been hooked to it.  Facebook is narcissistic in its own way, and I love that about it. Nor did I start hating it. But something else happened. I havent been able to sleep all night since then . I have tried everything. Just lying down with lights turned off, reading boring books, watching movies, staying up the whole day after, nothing has helped me sleep. May be I should see a doctor. May be I am being an alarmist. Its just as I said, a week or two. Something will probably turn on the switch to my sleep, the same way something switched it off.  thats the beauty of life, it always has its own way of turning up for the better.
May be, If I continue to write long on the blog, someday, I could write and laught about how silly my premises were , for my not sleeping. Or someday, I would look back and say, well, I know how it all started.