Friday, May 17, 2013

and then again

So here I am, again, having activated my Facebook, looking sheepishly into my reflection in the mirror and laughing. Well, that’s exactly how my life is – fluctuating between the upper echelons of madness and lower straits of uncomplicated emotions. Probably the word should be complicated instead of uncomplicated, and I realise no matter irrespective of the choice of the word, irrespective of the meaning it conveys, my life is fucked up.
Ever since Facebook activated graph search for me, I keep searching for the photos she has liked every day. Technically it is stalking, but I guess this is allowed. I am not intruding in her physical or digital space. I search for things that are available for everybody to see. All that I gain from this stalking are nothing but pangs of conscience and regret. I see her happy in her own world. It looks perfect. 
What am I doing thinking about her everyday even though she doesn’t love me and is happy with her life without me. But then, it’s not about her. I am not part of her life, I am not disturbing her, I am  as far away from her as possible. This is about me, it’s about my love. I can and will love her for the rest of my life, even though I know she will never come to know of it anymore. It’s about my inability to get attracted to anybody else. It’s about my inability to forget her. It’s about my inability to stop thinking about her. So, this love affects only my life. I can be depressed one day, and cheerful another. I will think of her as a princess one day and an angel another.
Well, it’s also not true that my life is getting affected. Only one aspect of my life is getting affected. Only my heart is the one that feels the pain. While my heart dies, I continue to live a normal life.