and i am no longer sleepless

My sleeplessness has been suddenly replaced by a diligent need to sleep at eight in the night. Even when my best friend woke me up at twelve in the night, and I ended up spending another sleepless night, my new sleep cycle was not disturbed. I was able to sleep the following night – peacefully and undisturbed.

With a fresh mind, I was able to clearly evaluate my needs, my situation and arrive at a clear decision. I love her that is something which is irreconcilable, irreversible, and indelible. She will never love me. This is something which is abundantly and painfully clear to me. So the only logical thing to do is to love her from a distance, such that she would never feel my love as a shackle holding on to her conscience, making her feel guilty (things she told me before). So, I deactivate my Facebook, cut off my relations with all mutual friends (something I have been doing for the last few years), and put on an invisible suit. May be all this is unnecessary. Tomorrow I might activate my Facebook. Tomorrow I might call a random friend and have a drink. But you get the drift. I will be away from her, and still love her the same way, importantly she shouldn’t know if I still love her or not, if I am alive or not. For all purpose, I should become invisible.

That’s why this blog is so important to me. She will never find me here. My friends will never find me here. I can proclaim my love here and not be guilt trapped in a maze of moral questions.

So here again, another sleepless night, thinking about her, hopelessly waiting for her to call me, email me, send me a Fb message, none of which has happened in the last eight years, and there is no likelihood of it happening in the future.
Ever since I wrote my last post, I have been thinking of that night, when I was in Indore, and she was in Chennai, and she gave me a missed call at two in the night, to see if I was sleeping.
She said she was not feeling well, and couldn't sleep. She didn't want me to call her either, because it was so late in the night and her mother was sleeping beside her. So we resorted to smsing each other, even though my mobile was "in roaming" , which meant that I spending more money per sms, than it would have taken to talk to her long distance.
I had also told her the evening before (I used to call her every day and we used to have our meaningless eveing chat) that I had to catch a train at five in the morning, so I probably had to wake up early around four. But girls, like only girls can be, had chosen to message me
So we spend talking to each other, till she went to sleep.
I was worried, and I called her up early morning to check if she was staying back in the house and talking a rest. But she was already on her way to the office. I messaged her that I love her, and she replied I was stupid.

Well that's pretty much how the whole love story panned out. I kept telling her my love and she kept insisting I was a stupid to have fallen in love and not trying to move on despite being told a firm no.