and then again

So here I am, again, having activated my Facebook, looking sheepishly into my reflection in the mirror and laughing. Well, that’s exactly how my life is – fluctuating between the upper echelons of madness and lower straits of uncomplicated emotions. Probably the word should be complicated instead of uncomplicated, and I realise no matter irrespective of the choice of the word, irrespective of the meaning it conveys, my life is fucked up.

Ever since Facebook activated graph search for me, I keep searching for the photos she has liked every day. Technically it is stalking, but I guess this is allowed. I am not intruding in her physical or digital space. I search for things that are available for everybody to see. All that I gain from this stalking are nothing but pangs of conscience and regret. I see her happy in her own world. It looks perfect. 

What am I doing thinking about her everyday even though she doesn’t love me and is happy with her life without me. But then, it’s not about her. I am not part of her life, I am not disturbing her, I am  as far away from her as possible. This is about me, it’s about my love. I can and will love her for the rest of my life, even though I know she will never come to know of it anymore. It’s about my inability to get attracted to anybody else. It’s about my inability to forget her. It’s about my inability to stop thinking about her. So, this love affects only my life. I can be depressed one day, and cheerful another. I will think of her as a princess one day and an angel another.

Well, it’s also not true that my life is getting affected. Only one aspect of my life is getting affected. Only my heart is the one that feels the pain. While my heart dies, I continue to live a normal life.

So here again, another sleepless night, thinking about her, hopelessly waiting for her to call me, email me, send me a Fb message, none of which has happened in the last eight years, and there is no likelihood of it happening in the future.
Ever since I wrote my last post, I have been thinking of that night, when I was in Indore, and she was in Chennai, and she gave me a missed call at two in the night, to see if I was sleeping.
She said she was not feeling well, and couldn't sleep. She didn't want me to call her either, because it was so late in the night and her mother was sleeping beside her. So we resorted to smsing each other, even though my mobile was "in roaming" , which meant that I spending more money per sms, than it would have taken to talk to her long distance.
I had also told her the evening before (I used to call her every day and we used to have our meaningless eveing chat) that I had to catch a train at five in the morning, so I probably had to wake up early around four. But girls, like only girls can be, had chosen to message me
So we spend talking to each other, till she went to sleep.
I was worried, and I called her up early morning to check if she was staying back in the house and talking a rest. But she was already on her way to the office. I messaged her that I love her, and she replied I was stupid.

Well that's pretty much how the whole love story panned out. I kept telling her my love and she kept insisting I was a stupid to have fallen in love and not trying to move on despite being told a firm no.