i have always loved her and i will always love her
She never loved me and she will never love me.
Thats the story of my life :(

and life moves slowly in spite of my belief that it would come to a stop without her. I do not know how to react to this fact - to feel happy or sad.

and then again

So here I am, again, having activated my Facebook, looking sheepishly into my reflection in the mirror and laughing. Well, that’s exactly how my life is – fluctuating between the upper echelons of madness and lower straits of uncomplicated emotions. Probably the word should be complicated instead of uncomplicated, and I realise no matter irrespective of the choice of the word, irrespective of the meaning it conveys, my life is fucked up.

Ever since Facebook activated graph search for me, I keep searching for the photos she has liked every day. Technically it is stalking, but I guess this is allowed. I am not intruding in her physical or digital space. I search for things that are available for everybody to see. All that I gain from this stalking are nothing but pangs of conscience and regret. I see her happy in her own world. It looks perfect. 

What am I doing thinking about her everyday even though she doesn’t love me and is happy with her life without me. But then, it’s not about her. I am not part of her life, I am not disturbing her, I am  as far away from her as possible. This is about me, it’s about my love. I can and will love her for the rest of my life, even though I know she will never come to know of it anymore. It’s about my inability to get attracted to anybody else. It’s about my inability to forget her. It’s about my inability to stop thinking about her. So, this love affects only my life. I can be depressed one day, and cheerful another. I will think of her as a princess one day and an angel another.

Well, it’s also not true that my life is getting affected. Only one aspect of my life is getting affected. Only my heart is the one that feels the pain. While my heart dies, I continue to live a normal life.

and i am no longer sleepless

My sleeplessness has been suddenly replaced by a diligent need to sleep at eight in the night. Even when my best friend woke me up at twelve in the night, and I ended up spending another sleepless night, my new sleep cycle was not disturbed. I was able to sleep the following night – peacefully and undisturbed.

With a fresh mind, I was able to clearly evaluate my needs, my situation and arrive at a clear decision. I love her that is something which is irreconcilable, irreversible, and indelible. She will never love me. This is something which is abundantly and painfully clear to me. So the only logical thing to do is to love her from a distance, such that she would never feel my love as a shackle holding on to her conscience, making her feel guilty (things she told me before). So, I deactivate my Facebook, cut off my relations with all mutual friends (something I have been doing for the last few years), and put on an invisible suit. May be all this is unnecessary. Tomorrow I might activate my Facebook. Tomorrow I might call a random friend and have a drink. But you get the drift. I will be away from her, and still love her the same way, importantly she shouldn’t know if I still love her or not, if I am alive or not. For all purpose, I should become invisible.

That’s why this blog is so important to me. She will never find me here. My friends will never find me here. I can proclaim my love here and not be guilt trapped in a maze of moral questions.

So here again, another sleepless night, thinking about her, hopelessly waiting for her to call me, email me, send me a Fb message, none of which has happened in the last eight years, and there is no likelihood of it happening in the future.
Ever since I wrote my last post, I have been thinking of that night, when I was in Indore, and she was in Chennai, and she gave me a missed call at two in the night, to see if I was sleeping.
She said she was not feeling well, and couldn't sleep. She didn't want me to call her either, because it was so late in the night and her mother was sleeping beside her. So we resorted to smsing each other, even though my mobile was "in roaming" , which meant that I spending more money per sms, than it would have taken to talk to her long distance.
I had also told her the evening before (I used to call her every day and we used to have our meaningless eveing chat) that I had to catch a train at five in the morning, so I probably had to wake up early around four. But girls, like only girls can be, had chosen to message me
So we spend talking to each other, till she went to sleep.
I was worried, and I called her up early morning to check if she was staying back in the house and talking a rest. But she was already on her way to the office. I messaged her that I love her, and she replied I was stupid.

Well that's pretty much how the whole love story panned out. I kept telling her my love and she kept insisting I was a stupid to have fallen in love and not trying to move on despite being told a firm no.


 

its interesting how I keep thinking about her all the time, it makes me wonder, does ever think of me?  even once? Say, between the time, she closes her eye lids, rewinds the day, and goes to sleep? Or in the long train journey between her house and her job, where she would be sitting between two women discussing the family chores and lazily sometimes when she would spot a girl, talking to her boyfriend, blushing, lying, smiling, teasing?
Or when she goes to a shop to buy an icecream and she has to decide between vanilla and strawberry?
Or  when she is sick and is lying on the bed, sleepless at two in the morning, wondering about the meaning of life?
May be never. She probably does not think of me ever.
But in each of my  thought, I drape her thoughts like the finest of the silk, to feel cozy and self inflict some pain.

So when i met her last year, which was the first time in three years, she said - pandian, you are a good guy. you didnt try to take revenge on me. ofcourse none of the words made sense to me. Revenge? what for?
probably she meant that I didnt try to harm her, even though she has been steadfastly rejecting me for almost ten years.
I understand what she was trying to say, because there are so many news in the TV where a spurned lover tries to do something stupid.
In my case, I want her to be happy. I could never think even in the wildest of my dreams,  for her to suffer. I actually want her to get married to a nice guy and have a happy family. I will, from a far away place, enjoy her happiness and pray to god for her good health.

All the more, the true love comes not from realisation of intimacy or talking. True love comes from seeing her happy, and wanting to see her smile all the time.
I was therefore hurt when she said what did. It means, she had reduced me to a normal guy. But then, I understand her apprehension and fear.

I love her.
As I can quote, ohh I dont remember the source, but its says, what I give (love), I give freely. You dont have to return love or friendship. You are not even obliged to feel anything or percieve my existence.

I love her. and for me , thats the best thing that has happened to me. I am happy for her existence, for its her existence that has given meaning to my life :)

I wish her all the happiness in the world