I still haven't managed a way to sleep properly. Yesterday I had an interview. So, after spending a sleepless night, I ended up spending the morning on a chair, waiting to be interviewed. The prolonged sleeplessness had immediate effect on my health - from severe headache to nausea. I slept for an hour, and now am here - again, awake, sleepless, on my blog, hopelessly thinking about her, and continously looking at the door, hoping for the sleep to barge in at anytime. Ofcourse she is not going to come, just like the girl I love.
So I was thinking about her (not the sleep :p), and was considering the worst possible proposal - more like a plea. I wanted to know if she would be ready for a minimum possible relation that can exist between two individuals. It could be anything. For example, she can agree to pick my call on her birthday. I will tell her two words "happy birthday", she says one "thanks" and then I would hang up the phone and wait for her next birthday, for the rest of my/her life. I wouldn't say a single word more. I know she will not agree to it either. It sounds crazy. For me, this would be perfect. I would spend the whole year, looking forward to hear her voice say that one little word. It would help me live my life better, it would give me a purpose to my life - to wait for one more year. The waiting mixed with certainty is a heady mix, and I would be happy to live a life like that. What about her? she would think this is crazy. Even if she agrees, imagine tomorrow she gets married, what would her future husband think, what would her future children think?
So you see, what seems minimum possible relation to me, would seem increasingly unreasonable and unacceptable demand to her.
I think I am better off not sleeping than drive her crazy or scaring her off ..

and it is strange how her memory works, like a noose around the thread - choking and all consuming with no escape. I watch a movie, I think of her. I read a book, I think of her. I walk, I talk, I sleep, no matter what I do, each and every act reminds me of her. Even now, as I type, I can see her image materialise before my eyes. Her red dress looks resplendent. She has this assorted collection of red dresses - bright red, pale red, pink red, purple red, and what not. She looks beautiful in all of them. May be I should call her the lady in red.
I think of her smile and I am smitten. I think of her eyes and I am hyptonised.
I probably should see a doctor to get my mind fixed. or probably see another girl, to get my heart fixed.
Life without her, seems so meaningless.
Everybody goes through existential crisis once in their life, I seem to be struck with it forever. My escapism and meaning to life, has abandoned me. She does not love me. With her no, everything else in life has been reduced to meaningless and lifeless travesty.
I guess I will survive, but I guess I will never live 

So here I am, awake another night, trying to hoodwink my sleep to sleep with me.  I wont have much success with it i know, or else I wouldn't be typing this.
Ever since the touchscreen on my mobile phone stopped responding, I have been thinking of buying a new mobile phone. nobody calls me anyways because i haven't given my number to any of my friend. She wouldn't call me, and most of my friends are mutual friends with her. So if I do talk to a friend, one of us will eventually mention her, not that they know about my feelings for her, but just talking about her would be enough to send me to depression, thinking about how things could have turned out, or why she keeps saying no, and so on.
Anyways, as I was saying, I have been thinking about buying a mobile. It reminded me of the time, I bought my first mobile. I was about to go to indore, and so i had to buy a mobile phone.  I remember, my number was activated, and I was standing at the door of my house and called her. I tried to pull a prank on her by pretending I was someone else, but she knew my voice and she caught me.
I have this tendency of losing mobile phones. So when I lost my first, I bought a new one. Those days money was an issue and I wanted to buy  mobile with a camera inbuilt. That was a novelty at that time. She kept pestering me to buy a new mobile as she wanted to talk to me everyday. Alternatively, she suggested I should find a friend, who wouldn't mind her calling me at a fixed time. Finally, I gave up and bought a new mobile with an inbuilt camera.
 I asked her if I could take her photo, and that was the first photo I took. I remember she wanted to go through my mobile, and she was going through my contacts. She told me, she wanted to know , what song I had assigned to her name as a ringtone. butterflies. butterflies. But they flew away , far away. 


So here I am , thinking of buying a mobile, thinking of her, spending another night, writing rather than sleeping.

Probably I am stupid. I read too much into things. Probably I am stupid, because I am still thinking of them.

One day I might forget them all or may be, I would cherish them as the fondest memories of my life, hold on to them forever.

sleepless

every now and then, over the last ten years...may be nine or probably its just eight years, i have struggled to sleep everytime her memories would sneak up on me. It was not a big deal. One night in a month, spent crying over a girl, call it dreaming, or mourning, or whatever, i was able to hand it. The idea was , the night so spent, would make me wanna enjoy my day better, lest people will realise, I am sad. Its not a bad thing to be sad, but it is a sad thing to explain that is bad. Anyways, so a week or two ago (damn..I am so bad with remembering the time), I sent her a message at around one in the night, through facebook. She is not in my friend list., but even then, I got the notification, that she saw the message. She was there online. My heart started beating faster. I started sweating. I was waiting for her to reply. I was thinking, she does know I am online, we could have had a casual chat. But no, she didnt reply. I spent the night, looking up at facebook, hoping she would reply. I could almost hear her breathe at the other end of the monitor. I slept early morning, tired and having realised, she wouldnt reply. Its not that she used to reply to my messages, she never does. yet, feeling disappointed I slept.  When I woke up in  the afternoon, I knew she hadnt replied, and my facebook told me as much. Its not that I am hooked to facebook after that, I have always been hooked to it.  Facebook is narcissistic in its own way, and I love that about it. Nor did I start hating it. But something else happened. I havent been able to sleep all night since then . I have tried everything. Just lying down with lights turned off, reading boring books, watching movies, staying up the whole day after, nothing has helped me sleep. May be I should see a doctor. May be I am being an alarmist. Its just as I said, a week or two. Something will probably turn on the switch to my sleep, the same way something switched it off.  thats the beauty of life, it always has its own way of turning up for the better.
May be, If I continue to write long on the blog, someday, I could write and laught about how silly my premises were , for my not sleeping. Or someday, I would look back and say, well, I know how it all started.